I'm such a hypocrite. I can sit and complain about all of those people who complain that things don't happen the way they want it to...but they expect everything to be handed to them. Now I sit here, wanting to rewind it all and take it back. I have no motivation whatsoever, and I continue to slack off in class. I NEED A WAKE UP CALL. I pay for it, I spend my time in class and doing my homework, why can't I just study and go to class?

I have no one to blame but myself.

Well, I can honestly say that I never thought I would ever return to xanga...but here I am. Haha. The other day I was just putzing around on the computer and I noticed that "Hey, xanga hasn't died!", and thereafter I decided it wouldn't be such a bad idea to have a blog again. So here I am. =]

Tomorrow, second semester starts...technically for me it is first semester. I don't think saying that I am nervous would suffice for all the emotions that I am feeling. A little bit of fear, excitment, sadness...everything. You see, I was accepted to my dream school last year and I was so thrilled when September finally came and it was my time to shine in the one place that I wanted to be. Not only was I going to the school in a city I loved, but my brother graduated from that very school. He was the proud older brother, telling all his friends and what not...I moved into the dorms and my parents made it this huge deal, being the last one and all. My brother was so excited to show me all around and teach me the ways. Then they left. And I can't believe how difficult that was. I cried and cried and cried. When I made it my dorm (alone mind you...my roommate was a year older and she wouldn't be coming til the next day) they had left some things for me and I cried some more.

I lasted one week.

I wish I could pinpoint what made me finalize my decision. It was so much all in one, it was homesickness, it was my insecurities, I was enrolled in classes that I struggled with (mainly math and science), my roommate ditched me quite a bit, and I was not happy. I made a rash decision and I came home. Immediately I got a job working at a daycare, and have been doing so full time since then. I have always enjoyed school and I know I am meant to be a teacher...so I enrolled in the community college nearby and will be starting tomorrow. I should be happy, I should be excited...I am but I am really really sad. I feel like such a failure. I have always been a good student, why I couldn't I do this? Why couldn't I make it through a WEEK of college? Pathetic. My friends and family don't understand that it isn't a joke, I'm not ready to laugh about something so humiliating to me. I'm not ready to act like it didn't happen, it has totally repaved my future, and sooner or later I have to pick up my feet and keep going. But I am so, so scared that I failed once....I will do it again.

I just have to make it through this week. I have to prove to myself that I can do this. Somehow. Picking up the pieces after you fail should be something they should have taught me.